Saturday, January 30, 2016

If Only My Daughter Had Known


by Beth Saadati

At 10 p.m. my husband, Komron, said goodnight to our birthday boy.
Then it was my turn to finish Josh’s preferred routine. “It’s because he likes to save the best for last,” I said with false conceit.

I stepped onto a stool to reach his top bunk. After a day of no school, extra screen time, nerf wars with friends, Chicago-style pizza, Cook-Out shakes and a Minion-decorated cake, I expected to see a smile as big as the moon. Instead, he was snarling, growling, about to transform into the Hulk.


“What’s wrong?” I asked.

Josh climbed down the ladder. A second after I sat on the floor, seventy pounds plopped onto my lap. A couple of minutes passed. With arms crossed and brow knotted, Josh said nothing. Then he yelled. “Why do I have to be so greedy inside?”

Confused, I held my tongue.

“You’re not greedy,” I finally said. “Usually you’re quite content.” The scowl lining his face showed me he wasn’t convinced. “Is it because you had a great day, but you’re not completely happy with it?”

Under his breath he muttered. “Yeah.”

“There’s a greedy part in all of us,” I said. “Here’s what helps me. I try to remember things I’m thankful for rather than focusing on what I may not have. Does that help?”

“Not really.” For a moment his gaze met mine. “There’s a big, empty place inside me. Like something isn’t right.”


At a loss for what to say, I tucked him back into bed, prayed for him, and planted a kiss on his forehead before once again telling him goodnight. Then I crossed the hall to my bedroom, hoping to catch some much-needed zzz’s.

“What’s going on with Josh?” asked Komron. Frustrated by my inability to parent my son through his pain, I recited the conversation and tried to explain.

“Josh is too young to make the connection,” Komron said, “but it’s the grief. It’s about Jenna.”

Of course. Why hadn’t I thought of it? Of the last birthday he had with his oldest sister, when they played Lego Star Wars on the Wii. Of the way she adored and doted over him. Of the way she was always there.

I, too, was well-acquainted with the anger suicide leaves. Without an invitation, words Jenna had left in her parting note echoed in my mind: I’m sorry you guys will have to get over my loss. Really, it’s not that hard.

My jaw tightened. Not that hard? The constant replaying, forgiving, and unanswered questions? It's a lifetime of hard. How I hated the lie that had wormed its way into Jenna’s head and blinded her from truth.  

Fifteen minutes later Josh descended the ladder with a thud. The familiar footsteps followed, then Josh entered my room.

“I can’t sleep,” he said.

“Would it help if I slept in the extra twin bed?”

He nodded his head. I followed Josh and waited for him to climb up to his top bunk. Standing on tiptoe, I peered through the wooden slats.

“I think I was wrong,” I whispered, “about what might be bothering you.”

“Then what is it?”

“When Jenna died, it left a big hole in our hearts. It’s not your fault. She loved you. A ton. She should have been here today to celebrate.” I paused. “This isn’t how I want it to be for you. It’s not how I want it to be for any of us.”


By the glow of the hall light, my son’s anger dissolved in the dark as a stream of silent tears slid down his cheeks. I stepped up on the stool, wrapped my arms around him, and held him close. In less than ten minutes, he’d fallen asleep.

I pulled the blanket up over his shoulders then snuggled under the twin bed quilt. If only Jenna had realized how much hurt her choice would cause—if only she could have known—she’d still be here, I thought as I shut my eyes.  

It’s said there are no tears in heaven. But, if Jenna had peeked through a porthole and seen the still-bleeding wound, I wouldn’t be surprised if some might have fallen that night.

16 comments:

  1. Love you Beth. You have got to be helping soooo many. Thank you for being honest about your pain.

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    1. Your words encourage me. Thank you. Much love to you too, Denise.

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  2. I understand and appreciate how as your family grieves you also are helping others. And in a way Jenna is speaking through you to reach other Jenna's of the world.

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    1. Such beautiful insight. I'm not sure I ever thought of it quite that way. Jenna loved words. And truth. It's what she'd want to do. Thank you, Daphne.

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  3. Beth, I am grateful for what you share and for your transparency. Love you!

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    1. Thank you, Tope. I've been thinking about you and your family. I love you too.

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  4. Oh Beth. I hope you know the gift you give from the depths of your grief. And how that gift helps fills the ache in all our souls. You are a treasure.

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    1. Such kind words, Ellen. Thank you for the reminder and perspective. I appreciate you.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your pain. I pray Holy Spirit will use your testimony to lead others in the truth.
    May the LORD Himself continue to bring healing for each and all of you. Amen

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    1. Yes. I humbly receive that, Sandra. May it be so.

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  6. I "stumbled" across this post on my FB newsfeed and while we don't know one another, I know the Lord wanted me to read your story. Although I didn't lose a child- I did lose my stepfather to suicide in 2013. The grief left behind by this type of death is complicated. It's absolutely heart wrenching and we are faced with so many unanswered questions. While I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain or bring an end to the grief you & your family must endure; I want you to know that I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. May the Lord use you & your story to bring healing to others. ~Tosha

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    1. Tosha, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and for what you've been through. I grieve with you, too. But thank you for taking time to write and vulnerably share what you did. Your words are gracious and kind. You understand. The "stumbling" encourages me, serving as a powerful reminder that the Lord is here and will somehow birth beauty and life from the ashes and the pain. Much love to you.

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  7. Sweet Beth, your words, spoken and written from a broken heart, have touched me like no other. I've known of others who have had the heartache of a lost loved one to suicide, but I've never seen it through words written from that deep place. Thank you for sharing. I love you and continue to pray for you and your precious family.

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    1. Your comment came through my iPod; I've read it over and over again. Most of the posts have been written through tears. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the vulnerability and the hurt. You've shown me that it is. Thank you, Vonda. I love you too.

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  8. Mrs saadati can i talk to sometime about this??��

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    1. Of course, Cresa. I would enjoy talking with you.

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